The full stop.

Well today marks the last day of finals, a day that should be filled with joyous celebration or at least a 4 hour nap. Unfortunately I feel a deep regret for not studying earlier and for 'giving up' mid finals. Well, I can just feel the bad grades just flooding into my report card. Though regretting my past actions won't get me anywhere far. Though the end of finals means lots of other things to get done and also the wrath of my mom's voice coming to haunt my Halloween with screams of "DID YOU STUDY TODAY?" or "JANE, GO STUDY!" in her very very Chinese accent. Well, I don't blame her for doing it , I mean it is a reminder but the tone is what just gets to me. I hate it when someone says something with an aggressive tone, it makes them sound so angry rather than stern. People should start watching 'Jo Frost: Extreme Parental Guidance" or "Jo Frost: Family SOS" and learn the difference of sounding stern and sounding aggressive.

Well, on a lighter ding, I've filling my afternoons watching episodes of Lizzie McGuire and I absolutely miss it so much. I love the last last scene of the Lizzie McGuire Movie where Lizzie kisses Gordo. It's literally the sweetest thing ever. I ship Gordo and Lizzie. Well now, Lalaine (Miranda) and Adam Lamberg (Gordo) are doing their own thing and Lizzie has a kid which makes me wish I was their age so I wouldn't get so attached to this show. I watched the first time when I was 4 and now being almost 16 I'm watching it again. YAY!

Jane.

New found spirit perhaps?

So about 6 days left till finals are over, I have come to a conclusion that all I can do at this point is my best and that worrying or whining about how bad I did will only make myself feel worse about my life. Plus, regretting that I didn't take the initiative to study earlier won't help either. Though I've learned a pretty big lesson going through finals feeling utterly horrible. It's that I should never ever waste my time ever again. I keep wanting and wishing for the time that I wasted to return but life just doesn't work that way (Yes, I'm well aware that is impossible to turn back time). Thankfully it has given me new spirit to carry forth I suppose. I mean, it just gives me the want to end finals and just fast forward to the holidays where I can finally have about a month and a half to actually sit down and figure out my life, get things sorted out and do things that make me happy at the same time. I wish so much to actually do more than I say because I normally end up just wasting off half my holiday and regretting the other half. Hopefully my plans for pushing forward will come to reality. Until next time.

Jane.

Worse

So I screwed up both my Add Math and Physics papers today for finals and I don't know whether I'll still be in the first class. Well I hate the fact that I'm trying to keep a positive environment for the formation of positive thoughts in my head but clearly everything on the internet especially people who are button doobly doo smart are complaining about how bad they've done. Makes me realise how when I came to Form 4 my student standard just went from bad to worse. It really gives me this whole big picture in my head that I am going to fail my life and I'm gonna be homeless one day. I'm trying very hard to make it better but I don't think I have the energy to do it anymore. I just feel like giving up on everything because I know well enough that I'm never gonna get what I want. I'm never gonna be the smartest or the most interesting person in the world because there's always gonna be someone better than you that you're gonna compare yourself to. So that's my piece of mind right here on the Internet. It just makes me sick to my stomach to think about how much I would love to turn the clock back and would've just stayed a baby forever. It's sad how my blog is turning into my personal rant page rather than a blog. Kay, I'm done.

Jane.

The now.

Well, after the whole, I wanna punch a wall drama scene, my emotions mellowed down and I decided to counter my emotions with a more subtle approach, with thoughts that my negativity would only drive more and more people out of my life. Well yes I am being an extreme cliche and a little overly dramatic but I decided to close my eyes and put my hands together and pray. It's been long since I've been able to feel comforted and consoled and finally I regained a tiny bit of positivity last night. This probably isn't one of my usual posts but I for once actually can say that I feel a little more happy, like a tiny bit of my burden has been lifted off my shoulders. 

Jane.

Bad timing

Well I feel like punching a wall and jumping of a 60 foot tall building. Aside from that everything is fine.

Jane.

.

Waking up on a day to day basis feeling utter dismay and totally no idea why I continue on is pretty much what sums up my past month. I still feel this way and I have many reasons why. I just can't take it! I see everyone around feeling utterly happy and blissful going on with their lives but I just have no clue why I can't 'enjoy' mine. I know being sad is a decision and not something that you can't change but I don't know why I choose to stay this way. 

Jane.

Solitude (kindly do not find this LOA, I just need to vent)

Putting off my studies for abit because of my dampened spirits. I hate to say it time and time again the longing to feel like I can relate to my peers. It's like I'm on the other side of the window wanting to get in not knowing how to or why I can't get in. Ignorant of my existence. It's pretty much my day to day life. Should've gotten used to it but well I guess I'm too much of an amateur at the whole 'I can be immune to this kinda thing' act. I don't blame them for anything, all I blame is myself for not having the sensibility, the sensibility to judge on my own circumstances. Knowing very well no one ever passes by on here, I am aware that no one will ever see these words. To whoever takes time to digest all that I'm uttering, I thank you very much. I apologise for throwing out more negativity into this space we call the Internet but where else can I vent but here? 

Jane.

PS: I thank those who have known and acknowledged my condition, my feelings and listened to me vomit out all that has accumulated inside of my tiny being. Thank you. (Names are flooding into my head but I will not name them as I'm afraid ill miss someone out)