So I Thought

Started work recently and life hasn't been as sweet. Mourning the loss of self-confidence in the whole fashion thing due to lack of expertise and just wanting to buy clothes I can't afford; basically life so far. I am a ranter I have realised that long before. At least I have something to fill my time while I wait and wonder. Life's just a little odd now. Don't know when normal life will come back but hopefully soon.

Shivering in With OCD

You continue mopping and wiping each crevasse of your room. Making sure everything looks neat just so you can mess it up again and repeat the whole process. But why? Is it cos it's the only thing you can control in your life; or the sole fact that you know something bad is going to happen and you're trying to keep your mind of it; or just because you can't stand your mom nagging up a storm? Whatever it may be, you suddenly just stop cleaning. It's 2.30am and you've been cleaning since noon. Your room's kinda neat but you need to clean some more. You can't. You shiver and you drop off your study chair; where you sat down arranging the magazines on your desk for the past 10 minutes. Eyes start dampening and you don't know what's wrong with you. You've been sleeping at 4am almost every night and even then, going to bed's a struggle. You're getting sick from the late nights but you can't sleep. Your eye bags build up and you notice how haggard you look in the mirror. You pick yourself up and take a quick shower. You come back to your neat room feeling a little satisfied but the heavy feeling still lingers. Lying down on your bed felt nice that particular night and you had no trouble sleeping which was to much surprise. You know this (easy-to-sleep nights) doesn't happen often and the shivers will stay but you cherish the moment because tomorrow it won't be the same.

Jane.

The Hungry

I hate to say this but I actually miss the cold 6am mornings where I'd struggle to breathe after splashing cold water on to my face. The many times I'll forget to bring my Biology textbook to class and the many moments when I'd come to class late because I was planning world domination (dealing with club work, paper work and other miscellaneous odd duties) during my self-extended recess and my Chemistry teacher's disappointed look when I make my walk of shame into class while people stare at me as if I had killed a man.

The grass is always greener on the other side and I can tell you I really wish I had somewhat of an obligation to do something at the moment. A chore, homework, a job; something to keep me busy so I could do something productive other than spend money that's not mine.

Looking for a job at this point of time has been a definite struggle and I can tell you I'm desperate as ever to get one. Going through interview after interview, hoping for a call after is like expecting me to clean my room (which at this point makes me feel disgusted). Well, on a lighter more enthusiastic note, I went for a job interview with Naomi at 'Inside Scoop' a new ice-cream joint near my house with the cutest ambiance and probably the best waffles in town. The interview was exceptionally interesting with me being showed two middle fingers and the main topic of life in general perspective. It was a good one and a half hours spent.

Also, been selling old SPM books at the school bus stop and managed to make RM60 after an hour a day for 3 days of shamelessly yelling "OLD SPM BOOKS FOR SALE!" at random students. Oh well, they can't judge me cos I'm not in high school anymore so I guess it doesn't really matter.

Jane

Christmas Spirit

All year round in this tropic wonder of a country we live in, white snowy Christmases aren't really a trend. Living in the city however, gives us various interpretations of what Christmas is, expressed through thousands of dollars spent on ornaments and decor that could probably feed a crowd of maybe about 20,000 or even more if put into perspective. Being up early, preparing for my church's celebration of this annual and very much anticipated holiday can be pretty taxing to be honest but it definitely is worth it. The sound of songs you know by heart, while everyone rushes around wishing you 'Merry Christmas' is awkward at times yet a warm feeling tends to burn in the sub-zero heart of mine.

Being in the spirit of Christmas, I adorned myself in the colours of a Christmas tree. Though often given weird glances and shocked looks, I plan to keep the colour for a while. Sitting in the saloon chair with the awful smell of peroxide was horrible and I thought I might've gotten 'high' from the poisonous fumes (my hyperbolic descriptions are of course for illustration purposes only). I think it's easy to say that I probably scared a few kids in the process of walking around the hotel corridors and what not.

The dress was a lovely gift from mom for my birthday. Something I couldn't possibly afford given my current state of unemployment and my ever so empty jar of coins. The Ezra (Zalora) crossbody was from a recent purchase I made about a month ago and the red and gold statement necklace was borrowed from Naomi.

On my face are the above products and also liquid liner. I am horrible at make up so don't take my word on it.

Product list (from left to right):
- REVLON NEARLY NAKED PRESSED POWDER
- Bobbi Brown Creamy Lip Color (Pink Glow 53)
- Estee Lauder Pure Color Long Lasting Lipstick (Fig 123)
- REVLON SUPER LUSTROUS LIPSTICK (SPARKLING CIDER 634)

Shoes are from Penang, and I can't remember where my mother bought them and I'm too lazy for a run down the stairs to check. They are a pair of faux snake skin kitten heels which are relatively comfortable unless you have a back problem because then, any skinny heel you wear will hurt.

This is probably one of my first 'legit' outfit posts and if you are actually reading this, do tell me what you think. You can probably find me on Twitter or something. (Twitter: @Janemenn)

Jane. 

The Unproductive, Lazy and Not So Deprived

So besides getting out of bed late on a daily basis, I've been tucking myself in at odd hours. Eye bags have been more prevalent than  during SPM season and I'm far to lazy to put on make up to cover up any of my creases, especially with my bangs, you can now ignore my non-existent eyebrows even more. The most I put on my face is probably water and lipstick just cos I think it makes me feel like Jane Lane (Yea, I'm obsessed. Shut up.) Youth camp was really great but falling asleep was horribly hard as well as getting up given my odd internal body clock being as screwed up as it is. Well, my birthday was pretty cool, the company was great and the presents were a bonus. I should probably formulate a plan for world domination or maybe get a job and get my driver's license (or at least start by taking my first shower of the day at 2.27pm). Productivity level: 0. Great job Jane.

Jane.

Thoughtful thoughts

Is it true that if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be? Throw out your stupid cliché on how this is about a relationship. I’m just saying, generally. If the man doesn’t want you to do it, it’s not happening. That’s what I’m saying. It doesn’t matter how good a person you are or how you treat your pals. Your fate will be the same. The whole ‘buat baik, dibalas baik’ thing isn’t true I’m sure because good things happen to bad people who don’t deserve it. Though, that’s beside my point. My point is, if you were to be the best of the good, and you did nothing wrong, would you think for a second think that your friends might treat you with more compassion. Well, I’m sure nobody expects bad to befall them and the world to fall at their feet and sometimes even more. Well, you may do great things but never expect the same good to befall you. Just don’t. Expectation is a doorway to disappointment.

Jane.

PS: Daria has consumed me.

5 more agonising days

So basically, by the looks of the title you can tell that this is about SPM. Just a tiny update and venting space as per usual. I feel like with all these long breaks I've been given a large amount of time to prep for the next horrendous catastrophe of a paper but I choose to use that time for loading myself up with many sweets and a good load of Nestum and IKO cookies. I've also grown very fond of the palazzo pants Vanessa's mom handed down to me. It's extremely comfy but I just wish it was a tad bit cinched at the waist because it's pretty loose. During this period my mind is literally just filled with the thought of my career in fashion and if it will actually happen. I keep thinking of the horrible incident at which it doesn't happen. What then? I can't afford to dip my toes in the water to see if the water's too cold. I have to jump straight in. I hope I get the chance to get a fashion internship alongside a local designer or even an online magazine. I just wanna do fashion. I want to sit at a fashion show and watch it, and run around during KLFW taking pictures of pieces that I like as they float down the runway. (This is getting uber cliche) I just want to do that for as long as I'm capable but the thing is, will it bring cash? I still intend to feed myself. As much as the hippie, living out of a van life is cool and all, I plan to have 3 girls who will be perfect from every aspect imaginable. Though I still can't imagine myself married, I like to think myself capable of raising adequate and absolutely immaculate human beings. Getting back to the subject matter, i really hope I achieve what I strive for and I hope hard work is enough to get me where I want to go and i really really hope my determination kicks in. Seriously. I want this so bad. Like so bad.

Jane.